Supporting and loving my mentally ill son has been both a challenge and a blessing.
On a rainy day in late autumn 1976, I brought my wife and our firstborn home to our little house in the foothills of western Washington. As I carried our infant son into his room that we had prepared with such excitement and joy, I was overcome with a profound sense of “I haven’t got a clue. What am I supposed to do with this bundle of life?”
Along with my feelings of joy and pride, I realized my own inabilities, weaknesses and fears as a father. Later that day, I prayed that I would always give my boy the love and care he deserved. I prayed that I would love him with the love of our heavenly Father.
At that time, I was a young Protestant minister. I believed that my family was the first and most important facet of my ministry. I renewed my prayers three years later when our equally precious daughter was born. Little did I realize where those prayers would bring my family.
Unexpected Path
The years that followed have seen many blessings and challenges. My wife and I are now in full communion with the Roman Catholic Church, living in California, where I serve as a permanent deacon. Our daughter is a busy university student, in addition to holding down a job.
Our son’s path has not been what we hoped for or expected: He suffers from mental illness. In his teen years, our son struggled with school. In spite of our prayers and best efforts, he started to use alcohol and drugs.
Our attempts to work with school resources and mental-health providers brought no real solutions. His problems only increased when he was in his 20s. In time, we were observing classic indications of schizophrenia and dual-disorder syndrome (the use and self-medication with alcohol and street drugs by people who are mentally ill).
There have been countless times when his pain, fear and despair have expressed themselves in talks of suicide, violent outbursts or withdrawal. We have gone weeks or months not knowing where he might be or how he is doing.
From being a very bright, ambitious worker, he is now unable to work at any sustained task. He has been in jail for various offenses common to people struggling on the street, seeking to survive. He has been in and out of mental-health facilities. When the phone rings, we do not know if it will be our son, or someone calling about him from a hospital, jail or worse.
I would like to share our son’s name in this article because I am so proud of him. But out of respect for his dignity and understanding the reality of the stigma that goes with mental illness, I do not.
Delusional Fears Seem Real
Recently, our son has been willing to take medication again. He is still very resistant to therapy as he struggles with the intense fear of conspiracy. While these fears are very delusional to us, they are very real to him.
When he was younger, our son was very handsome: People told him he could be a model. But after many dark days on the street, his appearance today would not invite such comments. My wife and I have shared the path with our son through this difficult journey. I have observed her heartache and dread as she relives the difficulties she knew growing up with a loving mother who had mental problems. I have shared, observed and learned so much from my wife. In addition, I have felt the anger and hurt of our daughter as she lives the pain and loss of her brother. Although he is alive, he is not the older brother she followed and played with as a young child.
As the father of a son with mental illness, I have known the backward steps of denial, the rush of anger, the valleys of despair. I often ask myself, “What did I do wrong?” as I realize my own failures and weakness. I have experienced the shame and stigma still so common with mental illness. Walking with our son up the steps to the crisis facility was a walk of pain and dread for me, but it was even worse for him.
There have been many deeply painful moments. Yet, and most important, I have experienced many answered prayers. I have grown in the hope that is in Christ. My son has taught me so much of our heavenly Father’s love. Day by day, I learn to see my son and other people as God does. I look beyond the illness or the affliction. Instead, I look to the heart and soul, to the person who is wounded and calling out for acceptance.
I am learning to listen: Within the delusional ramblings are hidden insights, aspirations, humor and love. And with my son’s journey, I have met other profoundly precious people. In meeting others suffering from mental illness, whether it is schizophrenia, bipolar, depression or other diverse and complex disorders, I have met precious and gifted people. I have met men and women who long for acceptance and respect. They yearn to experience hope, peace and love.
I have also met their devoted parents, spouses, partners, siblings and friends who heroically live day-to-day with their loved one’s illness. I have also met dedicated mental-health professionals who work in a field chronically suffering from lack of funds. They still try to help people who often fear the help they need.
Heal the Stigma
In this journey of grace, I am learning patience and perseverance as I realize how much is not known about mental illness. The frustration of hearing diverse and sometimes conflicting opinions, diagnoses, strategies and therapies has brought me to realize the need for much more sharing of resources and disciplines.
This is even more important when we face the lack of resources. The answer will not be solely found in medication, therapy or prayer. It will be realized when we share in the care of the mind, body and spirit of people who are mentally ill. This sharing of resources and skills is hindered by the need for education, in addition to the need to heal the stigma associated with the realities of mental illness.
As I have encountered the criminalization of mental illness, I have realized that law enforcement and jail are often the most simple and favored treatment of someone who is experiencing psychosis or a mental-illness episode. In the county where I live, at least two young men were fatally shot last winter by police officers responding to such situations. These encounters and ongoing lessons have helped me learn how to respond to people who are mentally ill.
There is no one checklist or guide, but here are a few key principles I have found to be practical and helpful:
Pray: Listening to Scripture and especially being with Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament helps to restore and strengthen the peace, hope and love of God. Praying has helped to quiet my son when he has struggled with despair or fear. It might be a rosary prayed silently or other prayers, particularly those associated with St. Francis and St. Anthony. Mental illness can be affected by the powers of evil that seek to destroy souls loved by God. St. Michael is another faithful ally in the quest for victory.
Maintain and nurture hope: In his stormy interior life, our son frequently looks to his mother and me for assurance, acceptance, love and hope.
Communicate: When we speak simply and calmly, it can do much to quiet the voices and struggles within our son. Respectful listening is also important. Seek to share tools and options that mentally ill people can use for themselves as they long for independence.
Show respect: Accept the fact that the delusions and struggles of mentally ill people are very real to them. This does not mean we must agree or endorse their harmful concepts. But we do need to show them respect while we try to help them become more stable and face reality. Just because their minds are not functioning normally does not diminish their worth or significance.
Work together: Understand that, while mental-health professionals are very busy, as family we are an integral part of the caregiving team. If something is unclear, ask questions. Support and help people who provide medication or suggestions to loved ones.
Educate yourself and others: According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), one out of every 10 individuals suffers from a mental-health disorder. One of every five families has someone in their immediate family who has mental illness. Thus, all of us (family, clergy, parishioners) must learn the needs of mentally ill people who are among us.
Be an advocate: Mentally ill people are often unable to speak for themselves effectively. It is a crucial part of our Christian duty to advocate for those who cannot always care for themselves.
In God’s Image
These principles are especially relevant within the Church. We are blessed to share this journey of grace with those within our Church who personally experience mental illness or face it in their loved ones. We also are called to share our hope with those outside our faith, whether they are in the best of homes or the harshest of streets. Yet the Church may present a contradictory message. While Christ’s arms may be open and beckoning, the doors may be locked and barred in fear or ignorance. We have a profound responsibility to share the immense wealth of healing grace with mentally ill people and their caregivers.
Pope John Paul II emphasized our obligation when he wrote, “Whoever suffers from mental illness always bears God’s image and likeness in themselves, as does every human being. In addition, he always has the inalienable right not only to be considered as an image of God and therefore as a person, but also to be treated as such” (International Conference for Health Care Workers on Illnesses of the Human Mind, 1996).
At a general audience in April 2001, John Paul II told pilgrims, “I renew my appeal that everyone, in accordance with his responsibility, commit himself to defending the dignity and rights of people suffering from mental illness.
May no one remain indifferent to these our brothers and sisters. The Church looks with respect and affection on those who suffer from this affliction and urges the entire human family to accept them, giving special care to the poorest and most abandoned.”
Journeying With Christ
Our son is doing somewhat better at this time. As my wife and I continue to pray and educate ourselves, we find we are better able to support and encourage his journey. We know that each day can bring the unexpected. I have no doubt there will be times of struggle and sorrow ahead, in addition to times of blessing, as the journey of love and grace continues with our son.
His life has not turned out as expected, but I would not trade him or my daughter for anyone. I am so deeply grateful for both of them. Both of them are true gifts from Christ, and I will always be proud of their courage, love and quest to live the life God has for them.
In many ways, I often feel as clueless as I did that day over 30 years ago when I brought my boy home from the hospital. But I know Who has the answers. It truly is a journey of love and grace.
One evening during Lent, as I led the Stations of the Cross at our parish, I was blessed to see my son come in with my wife and share this journey with Christ. In reality, that is what the journey is all about. In sharing the life of someone who has mental illness, we travel together along a special Way of the Cross. As we take those steps, we find hope, healing and love. We find Christ.
