To be a truly present listener, we must open both our ears and hearts.
“Grandma,” my 2-year old grandson Kaden said for the first time when he saw me on a recent visit. It was music to my ears, and I was an eager listener to every word he exclaimed. It brought back memories of my own children beginning to talk and how delighted I was to hear my name called. Names are important, and they draw our attention and focus.
Many years ago, when I was in my first year of studying theology, my field education placement was to visit patients at a small nursing home. Twice a week, I would visit patients, including Mary, a woman who had dementia and who was often seated in the hall in her wheelchair. Calling her by name, I would introduce myself each time, smile, and ask her how she was. She often smiled back and answered me in Hungarian, which I could not speak or understand.
I’d nod, comment on the weather, give her more space to answer. Sometimes I just sat with her as she chatted away in a tongue I could not understand, but I could watch the changing expressions on her face, especially when she smiled. After a short while, I’d say goodbye and visit another patient.
When I returned to the nursing home after being away for three weeks for Christmas break, I went to visit. When Mary saw me, she said, “Laura,” and smiled. She said my name and I was surprised. She taught me that a big part of listening is to be present to another.
Listening Is Active, Not Passive
Whether we are listening to a child, a spouse, friend, stranger, or to God, listening is an action that requires our full presence. My daughter Michelle taught me this lesson when she was 4 and said she had to talk to me. I said, “OK,” and turned to face her. She looked at me and said, “Mom, you can’t listen to me if the TV is on.” I learned.
The first question asked in the Sacrament of Baptism is “What name do you give your child?” We are then baptized in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Generally, we like to be called by our names (unless we are in trouble). Throughout Scripture, we have stories of when someone was called by name. For instance, a voice calls Saul’s name, and he is blinded and knocked over. Wouldn’t it be easier to hear God’s voice calling us in such a dramatic way?
St. Francis of Assisi experienced God speaking to him from the cross in San Damiano and at first understood God’s call to repair the Church as meaning to repair its physical structure. It was only later that he and his followers realized that his call was more about the whole world of the Church. Francis spent a lot of time in prayer, listening to what God said. He embraced poverty as a way to empty himself so that he could be filled with God’s grace.
Listening Involves the Heart
We need to listen not only with our ears but our whole selves, especially our hearts. I believe that how we listen to God is related to how we listen to those around us. We physically hear with our ears, we “hear” with our eyes as we take in the gestures and expressions of the speaker, and with our hearts as we listen with compassion and empathy. As a listener, I not only bring my ability to hear, but I also offer my presence.
I feel great and affirmed when someone really listens to me. I can feel healed when I know that I have been heard. In spiritual direction and when I was in therapy, it felt good to be listened to, and I was encouraged to say more and to look deeper when thoughtful questions were asked.
Listening Takes Practice, Patience, Effort
To be a good listener, we need to be deliberate and focused. To truly listen to a person means to not only be free of external sounds, but also to be free as much as possible from inner chatter. It is too common to see a family or group of friends in a restaurant scrolling and texting on their mobile devices instead of engaging in conversation. This is just one of many lost opportunities to engage with and listen to each other.
When I was growing up, my family lived on the upper floor of a two-family house; my paternal grandparents lived on the lower level. Most evenings we had intergenerational meals that often included a story from Grandfather John telling us about his childhood in Czechoslovakia. Around the table, we listened and learned about the give-and-take of communicating. My only regret as an adult is that I never wrote down any of those stories. I did learn how to listen from our meals together. My children are grown, and I have regrets for not being able to duplicate those daily meals because of work and sport schedules.
What applies to our relationships with people also applies to our relationship with God. It takes practice to heed the word of God. For some of us, it can be difficult at times.
Prayer and Listening
To help focus when listening to another, begin with a silent prayer asking for the guidance and grace to be a good and attentive listener. Ask God to clear your mind so that you can focus. At times when I am listening to someone share something difficult, I also pray for God to comfort and heal the speaker.
Listening is reflective when we mirror back to the person who spoke to us. For example, we can respond by saying: “Linda, I heard you say you were frustrated at work. Am I correct?” or “Can you share with me what you were feeling when this happened?”
Asking gentle questions can help a person share and help us listen more deeply. When Jesus told parables, some of the disciples didn’t understand and asked Jesus to explain what the stories meant.
Think of listening as being ground where seeds are sown. Listening should resemble good soil, not rocky soil or a hard path that prevents the seeds from taking root. When we talk to God, we want to be the good soil.
As we talk to God, we can start to consider what God is saying to us. God speaks to us through messages in the Bible. But I also often hear God speaking to me in the questions my spiritual director asks or in the words of a homily. Many times, I hear God speaking to me when I write or during a simple task like vacuuming or washing dishes. I often experience God’s voice as nudges that, over time, form an answer to prayer or confirmation of a choice I have to make.
The important thing is to have quiet time to listen.
Lectio Divinia, or “sacred reading,” is a form of structured prayer using Scripture to repeatedly read a short passage and listen for a word or phrase that speaks to us. It can be done alone or in a group setting. The passage is slowly read aloud, and the person praying focuses on a word or phrase that spoke to him or her. The passage is read a second time, and the prayer reflects on the same passage or word again. The passage is read a third time, and the person continues reflecting on the significance of the word or phrase. If doing this in a group, people are invited to prayerfully share their word or phrase after each reading.
To be honest, there are many days when I find listening to be quite hard, and I find it nearly impossible to clear my mind and open my heart. In times like those, I need to consciously let go of my distractions. It helps me to see my distractions as leaves that fall from a tree and get blown away. I also focus on my breath: breathing in the Spirit and breathing out my distractions. This little exercise prepares me to listen to another person and can also prepare me to listen to God.
St. Ignatius of Loyola speaks of consolation and desolation in prayer. Periods of consolation are times of inner peace, hope in our hearts, and confidence that we are doing God’s will. Consolation is not a feeling but a way of living. I’ve had times of consolation in my life, when I was called to make a choice that was not easy, but I still had an inner peace that the decision was what God was asking of me.
Being in a state of consolation and listening to the Holy Spirit when facing suffering is to know God’s care, concern, and compassion. This past year, my 32-year-old nephew died after being diagnosed with cancer eight months earlier. I and many others prayed for healing; we prayed for a miracle.
When the decision to enter hospice care was made, I found myself praying for peace and healing that only God could give by calling him home. God was in the suffering, and I continue to pray especially for his parents and sisters. There is pain and loss, but also God’s love and peace. That doesn’t mean that we are not asking the hard question of why he had to die so young.
An Ongoing Dialogue
To listen well to God, we need to have an ever-deepening relationship and an ongoing dialogue. This dialogue doesn’t only happen in the times set aside for prayer but in conversations throughout the day. The same type of reflective listening we use with our family members and friends can be applied to God. We can reflect back to God what we are hearing in words we speak and ponder or by writing them in a journal. Talking with a spiritual director, companion, or trusted friend can help us discern what God is saying to us.
Having friends and sharing about prayer and the Holy Spirit working in our lives is a type of spiritual companionship. I treasure these conversations that often confirm or validate what I am hearing from our gracious God.
Spiritual direction, sometimes called spiritual companionship, involves meeting with a mentor, who can be a priest, religious, or layperson who has studied spirituality and/or theology. Usually, people meet once a month on a regular basis and share prayer and conversation. Today, there are opportunities to meet in person or virtually.
“A good listener is attentive, focused, and respectful,” says Father Charles Miller, OFM, a counselor and spiritual director. He adds that we need to be respectful even if we disagree with something the person said. He adds that the hard part of listening in both therapy and spiritual direction is when, as a listener, we have ideas or interpretations on the subject spoken about; be on guard when this happens, he warns.
A real challenge for me is to bring an open mind to hear someone out.
In therapy, Father Miller says, people are listening with their ears but are also paying attention to the body language and tone of voice of the speaker. In spiritual direction it is different; we are listening to how the Holy Spirit is present in the person’s life. The Holy Spirit has no body and is “the third person.” He says the most important time is to listen in and to the silence: The silence is an invitation for a person to listen to the Spirit.
Father Miller says he favors centering prayer to reach internal silence. Centering prayer involves praying with a word or short prayer over and over again in silence until we center in God’s presence. When we are trying to get to silence, our thoughts run wild, so he says we need a mantra, word, or Bible verse to return to. In centering prayer, we open ourselves, welcoming in God’s presence.
